April 17, 2012
Today’s lesson ladies and gentlemen will evolve around the word inaugural. The word inaugural has a definition as the marking of the beginning of. The inaugural word in this internet article is Today’s. I made my inaugural appearance several weeks back for the professional wrestling league known as CLASH Wrestling. The directorates contacted me and asked before my next advent to compose several paragraphs so asthmatic simpletons can get a better understanding of who I am. This is insulting to my countenance as I’ve already stated that I am a man of class, cunning and confidence. I am a proponent in studying the human anatomy. I spend hours cogitating the make up of bones, joints, tissues, tendons, muscles, ligaments, nerves, organs, and cartilage. I need not explain more.
Plebeians, as you translate my scribing and comprehend the education you receive in my mere presence, please do not ask me to repeat myself. I am a very busy man teaching the complexity of the human anatomy to those in search of education. Inquisitive minds are rare to come by. Two hundred and six bones make up their skeletal frame but the organ between their ears, known as the brain is what controls those bones. The brain is the most impressive organ as it allows you the ability to understand and reason.
For example; acumen suggests that keenness relates to a person’s mind, whereas acuity suggests that it relates to a person’s performance; acumen is something that a person has, whereas acuity is something that a person displays. My acuity is my vast knowledge of the lynchpin to a walking being is in either of their bipedal stabilizers. Twenty six bones and thirty joints make up the human foot. That is thirty joints that can be manipulated. The Achilles heel is adjacent to my discovery of the lynchpin in anatomy and shock absorbers in the makeup of the plantar area are perceived most vulnerable in my findings. While one hundred and twenty three known ligaments are contained under the flesh and run through one’s metacarpal bones my colleague Mr. Mattson did sustain damage to that area. If a surgery was performed, anywhere from eight to twenty seven of those ligaments could’ve been severed upon entry. What an amazing thing the hand is and allows one to do. You can write, draw, feed, build, type and tear.
Observers my World Wide Web notepad is upon conclusion as someone you are very familiar with has summoned me for more knowledge. I cannot divulge anymore information at this time. If you are not studying hard, you are not studying at all.
Professor Mathew Priest
October 18, 2011
Yo CLASH fans it’s ya boy, one half of the CLASH Tag Champs and TOO SWEET member Joey Marx! Man, do I have stuff on my mind… like CLASH From The Crypt on Saturday! It’s a big show for Bryce and I not only because it’s CLASH From The Crypt, but it’s the 2011 NPCI Tag Team Tournament.
The NPCI is a big deal to Too Sweet, it’s where we made our CLASH Wrestling debut! We defeated a lot of great teams and won the whole thing, earning us our CLASH Wrestling contracts. I keep asking myself, “Will there be a repeat of what happened last year at the NPCI? Can Too Sweet win the whole tournament again?” We’re gonna do our best but to find out you gotta be there to watch us go for NPCI victory #2! After Saturday, everyone is gonna have to start calling us not TOO SWEET, BUT TWO SWEET!
October 17, 2011
I am ready. When I got fired by Truth Martini back in April it felt like my whole world fell apart. Being a part of CLASH Wrestling means a lot to The Wreckingball. For me, CLASH is far more than just a wrestling company but more of a magic parallel universe filled with cavemen, shark people, superheroes, a wolf, a monk, a mad scientist and more all battling in a real live action movie. A place where truly anything is possible.
So after being fired, instead of feeling sorry for myself I decided to get in the best shape possible and come up with a way to get my job back. I called and e-mailed CLASH Wrestling officials over and over for weeks, asking for a chance to earn my job back but got no response. I decided to take matter into my own hands by buying a ticket to 100 and petitioning for my spot back on the CLASH roster. With close to 500 signatures and a couple of Wreckingball chants, I felt like I got the attention of the higher ups. No phone calls, but I didn’t give up.
Then it was announced that golden tickets would be presented to three former CLASH competitors and I thought “Hey, this is my chance. I know I’m gonna get that call and get a ticket.” Again, no phone call, but I still didn’t give up. I bought another ticket and brought my petition and was back at it. I was curious to see who got the golden tickets. One went to that goof Colt Ryan and another was bought by Truth Martini. As “Swagg Starr” Dave Manzo came out #18 and Mena Libra earned #20 spot, which meant that #19 was the final ticket holder. When it came time, I was surprised to see Ringmaster B come through the curtain. B announced that the final ticket should go to someone who truly deserved it. It felt like time had stopped as B presented me with the final ticket. This was the chance that I’ve been waiting for and I damn sure made the most of it. Outlasting 19 other CLASH Wrestling warriors, I won All Out War and became the first ever CLASH Wrestling FAN to become #1 contender.
Now everything comes to a head on October 22nd at CLASH from the Crypt. All I have to do is win and I get my job back. Seems easy enough except I have to beat a man that has been undefeated for 11 months and win a title that has alluded me for my whole career. That man, that champion is named Gavin Quinn.
Wreckingball is no longer a name to describe my physical appearance, but a symbol. A symbol of my willpower and determination to defeat any challenge, beat any opponent and destroy any wall that stands in my way. Gavin Quinn, you are that final wall that stands between me and my job. I don’t care who you have beaten in the past. I don’t care how long you have been champion. I’m gonna roll up to the Taylor Town Trade Center in straight up Terminator mode with one mission: WIN! I’m confident that there is nothing you can do to beat me. I WILL NOT STOP! I AM READY! THIS IS MY MATCH TO WIN!
At CLASH from the Crypt, I destroy the wall that is known as the 11 month title reign of Gavin Quinn and I return to my job at that real life fantasy world that is CLASH Wrestling and I return as the CLASH Champion.
September 1, 2011
The last blog that I wrote, I spoke at length about destiny and how it was destiny that brought Rhyno to the Taylor Town Tradecenter for CLASH 100, how it was destiny that the Caveman would slay the Manbeast. Well Cameron Skyy decided that instead of letting the cosmic narrative unfold he would put his stupid nose where it didn’t belong! Just as I had victory in my hands, just as the Neanderclaw was about to suck the life out of Rhyno, Cameron Skyy’s disgusting face popped onto the Clashotron! His big ugly head was so grotesque that it couldn’t help but hold my attention long enough for my prey to recover and hit me with the Gore!
At first, I was angrier than a Tyrannosaurus at a salad bar, but now I can see that the Caveman and Cameron’s DESTINY hasn’t been realized. I sat in my cave in the Prehistoric Forrest and noticed that our story was scrawled on the wall half finished. There is no ending.
But this Saturday September 3rd, in the Barefoot Brawler’s cave away from cave, the Taylor Town Tradecenter, there WILL be an ending! A brutal and unhappy ending for Sin City Sparklin! There is no doubt that Cameron is one of the toughest wrestlers in the country, maybe to ever step inside the CLASH ring. His ability to absorb punishment and his inextinguishable fire that burns for victory is admirable. But I’ve stalked the supercontinent! Mauled Mammoths! Slaughtered Smilodons! In the first cage match in CLASH history, Cameron will be locked inside with not a man, but a feral animal. This is the only way our destinies can be realized.
On Saturday, Cameron Skyy will once and for all FEAR THE BEARD!
“Caveman” Tyler Elkins
All words have been spoken. On Saturday night it comes down to two men, each without a win over the other. Time to ante up in a winner take all environment. Through my travels, I’ve been in some “hairy” situations, but in the end I’ve walked away better than before with the experience behind me. Tyler Elkins, I am more focused than ever. You have been (and still are) the hairy situation that stands in my past. I’m on top of my game and ready to light the spark that’ll extinguish your Caveman flame permanently.
Saturday absolutely will be an “All Out War” and a Steel Cage is our stage. Like many attractions that attempt to lure you in on the Vegas Strip, I implore everyone to join me at the TaylorTown Trade Center for this “must-see” attraction! Anything can and will happen inside the Steel Cage, and I will do anything, at any cost, to put on a show exceeding your expectations!
As for Tyler Elkins, your primitive methodology to success will be left nothing more than a heap of ashes and burnt beard hair after the bright lights of Sin City Sparklin burn through you.
Deal Me In, To Victory!
August 30, 2011
To most, eighteen is just a number: one more than seventeen, one less than nineteen. To your Mad Scientist, eighteen is significant for a number of reasons. Eighteen is a composite number. Eighteen is a semiperfect number. Eighteen is the atomic number of Argon. Eighteen, aside from zero, is the only number that equals twice the sum of its decimal digits. Yet none of the aformentioned reasons is the cause for my eighteen month obession with the number eighteen!
Eighteen months ago, your Mad Scientist did what his FORMER (all caps for EXTRA EMPHASIS!) friend and tag team partner J. Miller could not, that is wrestle a one-armed man. At the time, this one-armed man happened to be the CLASH Champion; when I defeated him, I became CLASH Champion. That was eighteen months ago.
What should have been the crowning achievement of my professional career (the creation of Ded Vaughn now holds this distinction) is now nothing more than a fleeting memory! Eighteen months ago I was CLASH Champion for eighteen minutes. EIGHTEEN MINUTES! Taken away from me by my FORMER friend and tag team partner!
This Saturday I end my obession with the number eighteen. After I win All Out War, I will become the #1 Contender, guaranteeing my opportunity to once again become CLASH Champion. I’ve spent the past month in my laboratory EXPERIMENTING, HYPOTHESIZING & CONCOCTING! I can assure everyone that Ded Vaughn will be at his most vicious on Saturday night! My monster shall undoubtedly lay waste to all those foolish enough to test him, leaving behind a clear path to victory for his CREATOR & MAD SCIENTIST!
I find it fitting that my FORMER friend will be there to witness it all!